When it comes to coffee, the comedian Denis Leary said it best in his 1997 'Lock 'N Load' stand up special; "Is it impossible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee? You can get every other flavor except coffee-flavored coffee! They got mochachino, cappuchino, frappachino, Al Pacino, what the @$#%!!!"
This is the way I feel whenever I see a new commercial, for what Pizza Hut believes to be the next greatest evolution in pizza. Whether it be original, stuffed, coated, bubbled, or crowned; the crust they are producing is getting stupider and stupider at every turn.
It all started in 1995, with the Cheese Stuffed Crust Pizza, this was a mind blowing invention that took the world by storm and as a teenager I thought this was genius. That was until he first time I tried it and, like meeting your hero and having them turn out to be an asshole, this was very disappointing.
But Pizza Hut stuck with it and people seemed to enjoy it. I mean they had to have, cause to this day, you can still get it at your local store. However, they should have stopped there, cause now there are more and more incarnations that keep finding the light of day. In a failed attempt to improve the original idea, 16 years later, there was until the ULTIMATE Stuffed Crust in 2011, that added meat toppings in the crust along with the cheese, which trumped it in stupidity, and the amount of grease you can get into a crust.
Then, there is the Crown Crust. A pizza crust with pockets that alternate with cheese balls and meatballs. I guess you are supposed to eat the crust first, then the slice? Either way, why? Who was sitting back one day and thought "you know what this Pizza is missing? A meatball crust!" This was just dumb.
Their most current promotion, a variation of the crown crust, it is called the "Crazy Cheesy Crust". A pizza that boasts cheese pockets along the edge that holds a heart clogging amount of cheese in each, and if that's not enough, you can double it for an extra $2. They are obviously hoping it will be the next great money maker for them, but gobs of hardened baked greasy cheese balls sound horrible and I can't see this catching on.
Lastly is the worst of the bunch, only available in Canada, the Hot Dog Stuffed Crust, that's right a pizza of your choice surrounded by what can only be described by one big long pig in a blanket. Why anybody would find his appetizing is beyond me. I love hot dogs, I love pizza, I don't want them combined. Although the pizza dog from Orange Julius is good, I'm confused now. Still it looks really really gross.
Now I gather that Pizza Hut keeps making these monstrosities to get people curious enough to come in order something new, to keep their business, and possibly get new clientele in the process. However, I can solve their problem in 1 minute. Are you listening Pizza Hut.... "LOWER YOUR FLIPPIN PRICES!!!!"
Now I love the original pan pizza from Pizza Hut, a large ham and pineapple with extra sauce, delicious!, but the only time I get anything from them is if I have a coupon. I mean $18 for a medium pizza is outrageous. I'd rather go to Panago, which makes a far superior pizza in my opinion, for less money. That's how you keep people happy.
Now stop with the crazy crusts, take like $5 off the price of your pizzas, get back to making a great original deep dish pan pizza, and you see the people start to flock back to you Pizza Hut. Also, whatever you do, don't get rid of your Honey BBQ Boneless Bites, those things are amazing!
